Don’t curse thy father or mother
For every one that curseth his father or his mother
Shall be surely put to death
His blood shall be upon him
Doesn’t that seem a bit harsh? What if your parents are idiots?
And the daughter of any priest
If she profane herself by playing the whore
She profaneth her father
She shall be burnt with fire
What is it about preachers that make their daughters turn to harlotry? Did you ever see Footloose?
If a man take wife and her mother
It is wickedness; they shall be burnt with fire
Both he and they
That there be no wickedness among you
Really? Three-way sex with your mother-in-law was a problem back then? Was there a shortage of beasts or something?
Don’t let your daughter act like a slut
No piercings or tramp-stamped butt
If she takes to the pole and starts to strut
You must put her to death
Oh come on! Harlots are more fun. There goes half the female population right there.
This one’s a no-brainer
You can kill all the beasts you want
Just don’t kill each other out of smite
Or it’s an eye for an eye and you too must die
Why is “Thou shalt not commit murder” the only commandment deemed rational enough to warrant an actual death penalty under today’s law? Could it be because all these others are absurd?
If a virgin is engaged and she is raped
But she doesn’t bother to cry out
Take them to the gates of the city
And stone them both to death
Oh boy. I guess she was asking for it, huh God? Maybe she didn’t like who she was sold to at auction, eh?
But if that woman is in a place
Where her screams cannot be heard
The man shall pay her father fifty shekels
And the little slut shall marry her rapist
Well that makes perfect sense. Wouldn’t want to wake anyone up unnecessarily, would we? And fifty shekels seems better than using a scale.
If you discover your bride is not a virgin
Take her back to her father for proof
If he can’t, you were sold damaged goods
And the townsfolk shall stone the whore
Women just love being treated like chattel, don’t they? Just ask ’em.
Six days shall work be done
But on the seventh day shall be
A sabbath of rest to the Lord
Whosoever works on it must die
Well that pretty much dooms everyone on Earth except a handful of Orthodox Jews. I’m so thankful our new KitchenAid oven has a Sabbath mode, or we might be tempted to bake a pie during football. I just hope I don’t suffer a heart attack, and some poor ambulance driver has to come on a Sunday.
This, our son is stubborn and rebellious
He will not obey our voice
He is a glutton, and a drunkard
All the men shall stone him with stones
Gotta catch me first, you egomaniacal, mysoginstic, imaginary sky monster! Neener, neener, neener! May The Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you with his noodly appendage.
And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord
He shall surely be put to death
And all the congregation shall certainly stone him
Along with any of his neighbors, just in case
Yeah, okay. Nice knowin’ y’all! I’ll surely be struck by lightning by the time anyone ever hears this.
(cue the bug zapper)
Copyright 2016 by tOdd. All rights reserved.
